What They Gave Me December 19, 2009

It’s been 47 days since they gave me a baby. They GAVE me my baby. I look at her, her little face with the big searching eyes and the scrunched up nose when she smiles…and I remember when she didn’t smile. For her, it may seem an eternity ago, but for me, it feels like yesterday.

Every morning, I hear her squeak her call and I roll out of bed and go to her. She seems less surprised to see me every day. And every day I reach my arms out to her and wait for her to reach back. This week, she reached back. I lift her out and she wraps her little arms around my neck and holds me close. She breathes me in, literally – snuffling like a pig after truffles. And as she smells me, I smell her, letting myself be filled up with the baby morning smell. We rub noses.  She mimics my facial gestures – her features alive with expression. 47 days ago she was almost vacant. All she could do was look. But now, we share this kooky grin thing. I smile a super wide smile, my eyes slits and my lips turn up. She returns it with interest. Her ever increasing teeth reveal past her beautiful lips and her arms bobble up and down with joy. Besides the expression alone making me laugh, I am so aware of that birth of joy. I am more aware of when it was absent.

I longed for this baby. I dreamed of her. And out there in the world, forces conspired. When would our paperwork be finalized? When would the Chinese bureaucratic wheels turn? How would the Chinese Center for Adoption Affairs person’s hand reach from one file to another? How would she reach me?

But she did. And again the magic of adoption overwhelms me. I watch Lotus sleep – her 8-year old body like a gangly puppy now. Long gone are her baby days. Now she’s a teen waiting to happen and she reminds me of it at every turn. She is so like me and so not. We share ideals and some physiology (the short gene) and tons of attitude, but not a single strand of DNA.  They gave me this baby too. My first girl, my life.

You know this is magic. Anyone who has ever doubted the existence of magic needs to stand a moment in my heart – to witness what 47 days of loving someone profoundly can do. Me her and her me. This osmosis of love turns solid. It bonds us. Beckett and I. Now, today, she cries if I leave the room. She reaches those arms out for me before I reach for her. She sleeps in my arms, the shrieks no longer, the trust apparent in her heavily and peacefully lidded eyes. She holds my finger. She breathes me in. I breathe her in.

They gave me this baby. But she has always been mine. This girl was born for me. And I was born for her. Still I thank them, whomever they may be, for allowing me to find her, just now, just like this. Because what they gave me is the most beautiful thing in the world.

PS – A lot of you have asked how you can subscribe to the blog. It took me a while but I finally got it together and added a ‘subscribe’ link. Look top right and you can click on the link, add your email address and you’ll be updated whenever I post something new. 

The “B” is for “badass”

Smiling as only Beckett can do

Could I be happier? I don’t think so.

Yup – there’s that face!

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